The Secret Notebook Read online

  ‘Well, maybe not all that innocent.’ She put her hand to her chest in an attempt to cover the flutter inside in case it showed, then wanted to laugh at herself for the daft thought.

  His brow twitched just a bit, those eyes of his weighing her up. ‘You got that right.’ He blew out as though he was as affected as she, before leaning down to pick up the old foam mattress to carry out.

  She followed him as they ferried more stacked rubbish to Justin’s car boot.

  ‘Fancy a hot date to the dump?’

  ‘Heaven.’ Izzie put a hand to her chest in a dramatic gesture. The fluttering inside and deep in her belly still hadn’t stopped. ‘You do know how to spoil me.’

  ‘I always did.’ He gave a short laugh when Izzie threw a work glove at him and then sank into the passenger seat.

  Several trips later, the cavernous car boot was empty and they returned to sit in the car to wait for another vehicle to pull away.

  ‘I could leave you the keys for the car in the New Year?’ He shrugged one shoulder. ‘Might be useful? If you’re still about.’

  ‘Wow, that’s kind, Justin. I plan to return to West Hampstead early in January, though.’

  ‘Well, in case you’re still here? The only downside would be that Mum and Dad might ask for lifts to their appointments. You know, doc’s, hairdresser’s, that kind of thing?’

  ‘I’d do that with pleasure – I know you always did stuff like that for Nan to save her getting cabs.’

  ‘Molly told you?’

  ‘Yep.’

  One side of his mouth lifted in a wry smile. ‘Molly always thought that you and I should be together. She liked Rufus, but not as much as she liked me.’

  Izzie laughed and glanced at him, feeling instant warmth at the spark of fun in his eyes.

  She suspected he was right; Molly had always adored Justin. ‘She thought the world of you.’ Silently, Izzie thought that she and Justin should have been together, too – but he’d blown that plan out of the water, made his choice. And his choice hadn’t been her.

  Yet, increasingly, the temptation to throw caution to the wind and encourage their past closeness beckoned like some sensual, out of reach enticement.

  ‘Do you think she ever guessed what we got up to in the attic when she was out at her lunch clubs?’

  He nodded gravely. ‘Oh, I think so. All that practice we had paid dividends.’ His mouth hitched in a small smile.

  Izzie had the feeling he wanted some kind of reaction from her, but just let the memories wash over her briefly. ‘We did a lot of that.’

  He laughed; the warm sound fizzled around her insides.

  ‘So, you don’t get any complaints from Lorna?’

  ‘Lorna? No, no complaints there.’

  The car in front pulled away and Izzie glanced down at Justin’s hand and forearm as he changed gear to move off. It was a sexy forearm, lightly tanned and dusted with dark blond hair.

  ‘Are you still with her? Lorna?’ If he was, Izzie wondered why she hadn’t seen her around. The thought of Justin with the gorgeous, leggy, brunette stunner caused an unaccustomed, sickening lurch in Izzie’s stomach.

  Lorna had been the latest in a long line of glamorous partners; she was in a league of her own when it came to looks with gorgeous, long dark hair, and she photographed like a dream. Their relationship had been featured in a Sunday supplement, Lorna a supermodel on the up and up, a perfect pair to Justin’s tall, broad yet rangy frame, his sun-streaked hair as tousled as Lorna’s was poster-smooth. Justin had been with some of the most beautiful women and Izzie always assumed that being with such stunning women and having entered a different, glamorous world had taken him out of her orbit and into another realm.

  Izzie had peeked at his website from time to time, and his photography was stunning. The early work of fabulous models, both male and female, some celebrity work, giving way more and more to incredible images of scenery in remote locations.

  ‘No, she dumped me when I told her I’d be away again in New Zealand for three months early next year.’ He sighed. ‘Lorna said I couldn’t care about her much if I kept going off for months at a time. She’d had enough. She was looking for something more permanent, she said. I reminded her I’d never promised her permanent.’

  ‘Did it upset you?’

  ‘The first few times she ended it, yes it did. It was a very on-off relationship. But happily, she has another fella now. It’s all good.’

  He didn’t sound troubled at Lorna finding someone new … but then, Justin could be hiding how he felt; she remembered how he could do that, just push aside his feelings so that no one else would guess, yet she’d always thought she knew how he really felt. How he’d really felt about her… She stemmed that thought.

  Changing the subject, he told her about an upcoming photography commission for a Lake District tourist book. ‘It’ll be just a few days of a job and I’ll travel from here when the forecast is good, stay over if I need to.’ Then he asked, ‘Will you join me for dinner tonight, Izzie?’

  Considering for a moment, she remained silent.

  ‘Or I could bring something round to you and you could catch me up on Molly’s notebook?’

  ‘Sounds like a good plan. I’d like that.’ A sharp thrill that he sought her company had shot the words right out of her mouth without any hesitation.

  Justin seemed able to get a handle on what made her tick as easily as he ever had.

  She smiled; spirits buoyed at his easy invitation to share dinner. It almost felt as if they were back at the beginning again – starting with their friendship. And she admitted inwardly that she didn’t want to resist the pull of their new relationship, friendship or otherwise. Why shouldn’t she just go along with the flow – whether they resurrected their friendship or more, there was no likelihood it would be more than a transient relationship this time. They each had solid plans for their futures, plans that would take them away from one another yet again.

  Whilst they ate that evening, they talked about many things. Justin told her he was sorry to hear Rufus had died. ‘I was out of the country when it happened; it was Molly who told me when I visited.’

  ‘Tell you the truth, it all passed in a fog. Rufus organised everything how he wanted and I went through it in a daze. The weird thing is, you can know what’s going to happen way ahead of time, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I kept looking round for him, expecting him to wander into his office at home. Sounds daft.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t.’ His hand covered hers lightly. ‘Are you okay?’

  She nodded sadly. ‘It was an unusual situation, Justin. Rufus asked me to marry him knowing he only had four or five years to live. He’d an inoperable brain tumour and whilst he was still well enough, he wanted to plan the time he had left, map it out as best he could. Get his ducks in a row, he called it.’

  ‘Did you love him, Izzie?’

  She nodded. It had been love.

  Justin squeezed her hand and then left it resting on hers as he took a swallow of wine.

  She smiled, tested whether she wanted to talk about her marriage and whether it would hurt too much. She hadn’t been sure initially, but Izzie found it surprisingly liberating to share…

  ‘It seems ages ago.’

  ‘When did you start working for him?’ Justin cradled his wine glass in his palms.

  ‘I worked for DAS, Design Admin and Secretarial Services Agency – as part of a great team for over four and a half years. We’d a lot of musician clients, music venues – exciting stuff – and we worked on some admin for Rufus’s books, when his books were optioned for a TV series.’

  Justin raised the wine bottle to offer a refill and Izzie nodded her thanks.

  ‘It was after four or so years, around February time, Rufus’s assistant moved away. Before that, I’d stood in for her during holidays. He suggested that I work for him, just part-time at first, through DAS as his PA, helping to transcribe and format his bestselling crime thrillers fe
aturing DC Nicolas Riggs, and at the same time taking care of his diary, interviews, contracts and correspondence, sometimes even organising his food deliveries.’

  Background music played quietly on the kitchen radio and Izzie imagined Rufus at his desk, back home in West Hampstead, writing by hand in his fast and focused manner. ‘Rufus wasn’t a fan of mornings, so I worked on other jobs for DAS, then, if I needed to collaborate with him, that’d happen in the afternoons; either from his home office or those at DAS. Come late August it became full-time solely for Rufus when … when I married him.’

  She told Justin how Rufus loved the contact of pen with paper; his plan B – when he was tired, or could not write fast enough – was to speak his bestselling scripts into the box of tricks recorder. She closed her eyes. ‘During his last year, he would have a large glass of whisky on the edge of his desk, working on his plotlines until he became so drowsy, he could barely speak.’ She gave a little laugh, looked sidelong at Justin. ‘It used to be my task to unravel and make sense of the written and spoken text, to format it how Rufus wanted it so it was ready to present to the publisher.’

  ‘What a great way to see how well you got along, Izzie. The man was a genius!’

  Laughing, Izzie asked, ‘What, you mean before he asked me to marry him?’

  ‘Yeah, simple idea and genius.’

  Some awfully strange pinging sensations tremored through Izzie, such an ambiguous mixture of sadness, loss and a twist of regret. Whilst she took a breath, she nodded her agreement, pushed down the whirling mixture of emotions.

  ‘It was a good move for both of us. DAS released me to work solely for Rufus, said I could freelance for them anytime.’

  After standing and clearing the table, Izzie asked, ‘Coffee, tea or more wine, Justin?’

  ‘Tea would be great.’

  ‘I enjoyed going to work – always had – but working with Rufus was beyond my wildest dreams.’ She dropped a couple of teabags into her nan’s chunky brown teapot, hooked two china mugs off the mug tree and took the carton of milk out of the fridge, whilst Justin leaned against the kitchen doorframe, listening, legs crossed at the ankles.

  ‘He found me funny when I didn’t think I was anything more than slightly amusing; he even said I looked pretty when I rolled up for work doing a walk of shame because I hadn’t made it home after being out with my friend Ruby or the others – although, admittedly, that was before I became his full time PA. He said I was a good listener, and a genius on the keyboard. But the best thing was we could laugh and talk together and lose all track of time. He never tired of discussing plotlines – airing his ideas and listening when I suggested my own twists.’

  ‘Sounds like a good partnership.’

  ‘It was.’ It had been a good partnership. She had loved him, he’d been crazy about her, loved her he said, and from a famous, successful writer that was so flattering. Just when she’d badly needed to escape into another world.

  But for her, she had realised as she spoke to Justin about Rufus, there had always been something missing in that relationship: a spark of incredible excitement, outright sensuality – something she had only ever known with Justin.

  In that exact moment, she also realised that during her time with Rufus, she had tamped down the yearning for more, perhaps subconsciously knowing that giving away her whole heart had emotionally seen her on her knees once before.

  Desolate… The word Molly used when she was at her lowest ebb, when she had been pushed aside by Joe. It also described how Izzie had felt when she’d been stood up on her twenty-third, summertime birthday.

  She recollected again how she’d felt that nothing would ever be right again.

  She looked directly at Justin, pushed on. ‘After a spell as his part-time PA, he asked me to marry him. He explained all about his health, how it would degenerate over the following four or five years. What he wanted more than anything was the reassurance that he wouldn’t die alone, and to be sure of the dedication I’d give him to work on his books for as long as he was able. After that, I needed to be there just for him.’

  Justin’s palm rested gently on Izzie’s shoulder. ‘It must have been beyond painful to lose Rufus; it sounds like you had an amazing relationship. Close to perfect.’

  Again, something shifted inside. She touched his fingers where they rested on her shoulder. ‘Thanks, Justin.’

  The truth was, it hadn’t been perfect, but she tucked that fact aside for the moment, unwilling to face the unease of that truth just then. There was time for that – when she was alone.

  ‘I got an invite to a pal’s wedding,’ Justin said, suddenly changing the topic. He hesitated for a moment before continuing. ‘Will you be my plus one, Izzie? It’s some time off yet, 23rd December, just a few of days before I fly out to New Zealand. I’ve had a “save the date” card from them and I was just thinking if you wanted to join me, you could put it in your diary.’

  The invitation surprised her, and she blurted out unexpectedly, ‘I’d love to, thank you.’

  She frowned at herself and her big mouth; it continually engaged before her brain did. But the idea of some carefree fun immediately filled her with excitement. The idea of some carefree fun with Justin added a whole other shard of anticipation. Sometimes, she thought it was a good thing her mouth made decisions for her!

  ‘Do you remember Mick? We all went down the sand dunes near Squires Gate with him and a crowd of others on high days and holidays? He’s marrying Janey.’

  ‘Oh, of course! We had some fun with that crowd.’ They’d enjoyed endless summer days together.

  A flash of memory surged: bright beach towels, swimming, laughing, their little crew huddled beneath a ground sheet when a deluge of unexpected rain pounded the soft sand. A picnic of squashed sandwiches and crisps, melting chocolate and tins of beer, the smell of suntan lotion. She sat beside Justin; their bodies pressed close together as they held the cover over their heads until the rain passed, their noses touching when they turned to look at one another at the same time … then the becoming aware of one another and the laughter that followed.

  Justin had been eighteen, Izzie seventeen.

  ‘I just had a flashback of us all playing truth or dare.’ Just the memory brought heat to her cheeks.

  Justin gave a half-smile, a deep dimple showing in one cheek. ‘It was fun back then.’

  ‘It was fun – unless the dares happened to you!’ Izzie laughed; the vivid recollection sent goose bumps over her skin.

  ‘Bet you’re remembering the dare when we had to swap tops.’ His brow raised and amusement lit his eyes.

  ‘It was all right for you!’

  His top had been a big baggy vest and Izzie’s a little wrap over blue top. Izzie hesitated. ‘I had nothing on underneath it cos I’d hung my bikini top to dry off.’

  Justin laughed wholeheartedly. ‘You went for it though, Izzie, I thought you’d opt for a truth that time.’

  She resisted the urge to fan her face at the memory that rose next.

  ‘A bit later on, I got the dare to kiss the person to my left as though I really meant it.’

  ‘That’d be me you were kissing.’ He smiled, a sexy smile that seemed to hit Izzie right in the gut.

  ‘Yeah.’

  Izzie lingered in that magical moment for a second or two. Their kiss had sparked something so powerful – a crossroads where they moved between friends and lovers.

  The memories flashed through her mind in seconds, but there were so many – it could have been hours. They dated during her last year at college, when Justin had already finished and worked at his dad’s photography business. He’d go to help at special occasions and weddings, carrying equipment, learning the ropes about lighting and all the ins and outs of developing photos, mending expensive equipment instead of replacing it.

  Izzie was living with Nan and Grandpop by the time she and Justin were an item, and couldn’t bear to be away from him. It was ideal that his folks lived next doo
r.

  She and Justin had become lovers around a month or so after that scintillating first kiss; Izzie fell absolutely – incredibly – head over heels in love with Justin. She felt the rush of emotion burst in her chest at the intense memories.

  All along, though, they’d both known that Justin had a burning desire to travel anywhere and everywhere, photographing it all. He already wrote articles for local papers and magazines, and did a bit of local celebrity work; he was forever entering photography competitions – and winning more often than not.

  They both started applying for jobs, not really thinking much would come of it.

  Then something Justin had applied for during their first Christmas as a couple – an internship with National Geographic – came up with an offer to begin work in late June.

  He was ecstatic, thought all of his Christmases had come at once, and he was paired up with one of their photographers as an assistant.

  She recollected Justin punching the air with sheer joy, unable to believe what was happening. He’d then picked her up and spun her around, they couldn’t stop laughing. To say he was happy was an understatement. And his happiness was infectious.

  A couple of days before that, he’d spotted the advertisement DAS had put in an online photography and art magazine he read. Izzie would never have seen the advert if not for him and Justin had encouraged her to apply for the junior design admin post; it was in London, just where she’d always wanted to work. It was like someone had sprinkled dream-come-true dust on their lives because against all the odds, Izzie got an interview; they too were happy for her to begin working for them several months hence – in June, once her college course had finished.

  Tea brewed, Izzie carried their mugs into the back room. ‘Shall we have a read of Molly’s notebook now?’

  She settled on the wide armchair beside him and wondered why it felt fine to share Molly’s past with Justin, then realised that he was the only other person in her life who had truly known Molly. She knew through her nan that Justin called around regularly whenever he visited his own parents next door – and he had certainly been liked by Molly. It occurred to Izzie that any time that she spent at Nan’s – even as a ‘bit of a wild’ teen, as described by her mother – if she was going out and about with Justin, then her nan and granddad never seemed to worry.