The Secret Notebook Read online

  ‘Well, I’m sure you’ll do it all.’

  ‘But will you mind? Will you mind me moving out?’

  In a typical Nan gesture, she’d batted Izzie’s hand. ‘The way I look at it, I’ve had – in fact, I’ve still got – the best of everything. I’ve got Jack and I’ve had you for the best part of your life. It all went a long way to making up for your dad going too young. I don’t know many at eighty-six who spend so much time with their granddaughter.’ She’d laughed. ‘No, Izzie, when you go, you go with my blessing. You’ll know when the time is right, and I’ll always be here.’

  Izzie remembered nodding, swamped with gratitude towards her nan. Always, the freedom to come and go was given; both on a daily basis, and for the future in a wider sense.

  ‘Right ho!’ Grandpop had emerged from the bedroom then looking as smart as a tack. His hair was pure white and his dark blue eyes sparkled with fun. He had still been incredibly handsome, even in his late eighties. ‘Are you ready to rumble, our Molly?’ He’d looked at his watch. ‘We’ve half an hour to get to the coach stop.’

  Laughing, Nan had dropped a quick kiss on Izzie’s cheek and linked Grandpop’s ready arm.

  ‘By George, Jack, you’re a handsome devil.’ She’d squeezed his arm tightly. ‘Let’s go and paint the town red!’

  Izzie had seen them to the door. She had always loved the banter between the two of them and how they revelled in one another’s company, even after all the years they’d been together.

  ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!’ she’d called after the two of them.

  ‘Making no promises!’ Molly had called over her shoulder. ‘And neither is this fellah!’ Their laughter rang out in the quiet neighbourhood avenue.

  Izzie had watched them down the road, full of admiration for the two of them. They really were her favourite people in the whole world. Besides Justin. The three of them were her favourite people in the whole world, she amended mentally…

  Izzie came back to the present. ‘Yes, I was so proud of that drawing, I’d sprayed it with fixative to keep it from smudging.’ She’d then propped it on the back windowsill in the sun lounge, thrilled at the end result and heeded Grandpop’s ‘Let a good thing be’ advice when painting or drawing.

  ‘We’d been dating about four weeks,’ she said, slipping easily back into the memory, along with Justin this time…

  ‘Come and take a look?’ She took Justin’s hand as soon as he arrived and led him to the back of the house. ‘What do you think? I’ve just finished it.’

  He didn’t respond immediately and Izzie heard him take a deep breath.

  ‘I think…’ He hesitated. ‘I think it’s fabulous. And … I think you love me.’

  Izzie laughed, turning to face him. ‘You can’t tell that from a sketch!’ But she suspected he was right.

  ‘I can tell a lot from a picture.’ His mouth covered hers softly, then with pure passion, his arms closing around her back, holding her tight.

  The kiss sent ripples through Izzie. She reached up and rested her palms on his shoulders, then ran her fingers around his neck, increasing the pressure of his mouth on hers, whilst his palms moulded her against him.

  ‘Justin…’ She gasped. ‘Let’s go up in the loft?’

  ‘Seriously? Are you sure?’ he whispered against her mouth.

  She gave a nervous laugh. ‘I’m sure I want to… I’m just not sure my legs will get me up the ladder!’

  ‘I don’t have any.’ Justin grimaced, patting his pocket.

  ‘You don’t need anything.’

  His green eyes opened wider with surprise, darkened with need. ‘You…’

  ‘I’m on the pill.’

  He raised his mouth from hers, palms shifting to hold her face gently in his fingers. ‘I’ll take care of you, Izzie,’ he whispered, then pulled her close in a fierce hug. ‘But I don’t think I can carry you up the ladder…’

  They both laughed and Izzie said, ‘Follow me, then?’

  He looked, she thought, as though he couldn’t believe it was happening – dazed – as if it was happening to someone else. Justin gave a nod and gestured that she go first into the hall and up the ladder before him.

  Izzie stood beside the loft opening once she was at the top and held her arms wide when he joined her.

  ‘Izzie, are you sure about this?’ He set his hands on her waist. ‘Really sure?’

  ‘Are you?’ she countered. ‘Because I really am sure.’

  ‘Yes,’ he whispered, his mouth covering hers, and laughing along with her when he scooped her off her feet, pretending to stagger as he moved them towards the bed. ‘God, you’re a weight!’

  She loved that he made her laugh at what should be the most romantic time of her life, that he was still Justin, her friend … about to become lover…

  Izzie brought herself out of the memory that seemed so long ago and moved towards the mug tree. ‘Fancy a brew?’

  Justin’s pupils had dilated at the shared memory, eyes darkening.

  ‘Right now, I fancy you.’ He smiled that slow, face lighting smile and Izzie thought he looked mildly surprised at the words leaving him.

  She turned to face him. They’d kissed – properly kissed – just a couple of times, but why not repeat the embrace, she thought. Moving closer almost without realising, Izzie let the magnetic pull in the small space between them close the gap. She raised her mouth and he lowered his for a brief, gentle kiss. Then Izzie threaded her hands around his neck and his eyes searched hers for a moment as she flattened herself to him, gasping when his arms pulled her hard against him and the kiss deepened. It felt so good to be held in his arms, to be kissed.

  Izzie silenced the little voice in her head that asked, What are you doing? Silenced it with the sure knowledge that he wasn’t about to hurt her, that this was an easy, casual relationship – temporary, with no need for either of them to think beyond the moment. She was in control of her situation this time. If they wanted to kiss and share a hot embrace, why not? If they wanted to take it further … well, there was no one to stop them – only themselves. And if they didn’t – that was their choice too.

  Her legs turned to jelly when Justin ran his hand over her hip and she arched to him, her fingers moving around his back so she could get closer still.

  Izzie was ready to let herself drift off in a cloud of sensation when the loud, insistent rat-a-tat-tat of the front door knocker shocked her back to earth with a bump.

  ‘Yoo hoo!’ pierced through the flapping letterbox. ‘Izzie! Can you help me?’

  As Izzie eased away from Justin, she saw him close his eyes.

  ‘I know that voice,’ he said. ‘Mum.’

  Taking a deep breath, Izzie called, ‘Just a minute!’ She straightened her dishevelled top and went to answer the call for help.

  ‘Hi,’ she said as she opened the door wide. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Can you come and look at my hoover, Izzie? I think I might have blown a fuse and Robert’s out. I spilt something and need to get it up.’

  ‘I’ve got some fuses, hang on.’ Izzie gestured for Linda to follow her inside. At the same time, Justin strolled out of the kitchen.

  ‘Hello, Mum, is it that old hoover again? I’ll come and take a look for you.’

  Linda beamed. ‘I didn’t realise you were here, son. Thanks, that’d be great as I’ve made a right mess. I think it’s blowing out the muck instead of picking it up.’

  On his way out, Justin reached down and squeezed Izzie’s hand, his smile rueful. ‘I’ve got them a new one for Christmas but now I wish I’d brought it over early.’

  Izzie smiled, the yearning in her belly turning to a dull ache.

  ‘I’ll pick you up for Mick and Janey’s barbeque, then, tomorrow night?’ He shoved his fingers back through his hair.

  ‘Sure. Thanks for your help.’

  He dropped a fast kiss on her cheek and said cheerio.

  After a busy morning of catching up with Eddie
and having catch-up chats with Ruby and a couple of other friends at DAS, she began work on the first watercolour of the collection, setting up the job in the sun lounge across the back of the bungalow, where the light was perfect for painting.

  Izzie also made a quick phone call to the decorator that both Justin and his parents had recommended. She thought that if she had some help she could enjoy easing back into the work for DAS, whilst still overseeing and doing some of the work herself in the bungalow.

  Before Justin called for her that evening, Izzie tidied her loose curls, and flicked on some mascara and just a smudge of grey pencil around her eyes. It was a warm evening for early-October, so she settled for a white vest-style top beneath her blue and black checked shirt, dark jeans and ankle boots. She checked her reflection fleetingly as she went to answer the door to Justin.

  ‘Hi.’ He gave her a small smile and held his hand towards her. ‘Are you okay to walk? It’s not far.’

  ‘Love to.’ She slung her large handbag over her shoulder; it concealed all she needed for the evening, including a bottle of chilled fizz for the party table.

  Any nervousness Izzie entertained at going along to Mick’s barbeque was short-lived.

  She was surprised that some of the same crowd that she used to belong to were there and pleased when they welcomed her as if she’d never been away.

  ‘Izzie! Great to see you!’ Janey hugged her. ‘Come through to the back.’

  Janey looked almost the same as she had during their lazy crazy days on the beach with a short, dark, pixie haircut, a tiny, quick moving frame and a big generous smile.

  ‘Oh, Janey, this is lovely,’ Izzie said, stepping into the welcoming garden. It was lit with strings of lantern lights along the top of the perimeter fences, background music played softly, and delicious smells rose from where Mick greeted her at the barbeque.

  ‘Justin, hiya mate! Hi, Izzie! Great you could make it. Are you back to stay?’ Mick asked as he flipped burgers and turned the skewers of peppers and mushrooms, his movements practised. ‘Sorry to hear your nan passed.’

  ‘Thanks, Mick. I’m back for a while,’ Izzie said as she took a plate from Janey, who told her to help herself to nibbles. There was a table topped with salad, bread rolls, crisps, nuts, alcohol and glasses.

  ‘Izzie, you remember Kay?’ Justin guided the titian-haired, expectant young woman towards her. ‘She married Tony.’

  ‘Wow.’ Izzie clasped Kay’s hand. The two of them had been particularly close in the past, sharing their secrets and dreams. ‘Congratulations on your upcoming baby.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Kay said as she patted her bump.

  Izzie sensed some restraint in Kay, but couldn’t understand why. It was only later, when everyone had eaten, drank and socialised, and Kay and Tony got ready to leave, that Izzie got the chance to speak to her alone.

  Kay had already hugged Justin cheerio where he stood chattering with Tony and Mick so Izzie intercepted Kay on her way to the back gate.

  ‘Are we okay?’ she asked the friend she’d adored, but lost touch with – mainly because that strand of her past might have led to her having to discuss Justin. It had all been about self-preservation, not deliberately intended to upset anyone.

  ‘Just – just, don’t…’ She grimaced. ‘Oh, it’s none of my business.’

  ‘Kay…’ Izzie put her palm over the other woman’s forearm. ‘Have I upset you?’

  ‘Not now… In the past.’

  ‘How?’ She frowned, desperate to know what she’d done to cause Kay’s shuttered response to her – especially when everyone else had been so welcoming. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch.’

  ‘You – you and Justin. Are you an item again?’

  ‘We’re more friends than anything else now,’ Izzie said. ‘We’ve both got our own plans come the New Year.’

  ‘Well, that’s a good thing if you can do that without hurting—’

  ‘You ready to make a move?’ Tony said, interrupting as he dropped a full, fast kiss on Kay’s lips and bowing like she was royalty at the exit gate. ‘After you, milady! I’ve an early shift.’

  Laughing at Tony’s antics, Izzie wished them both goodbye, hoped that Kay’s smile and wave meant she was close to forgiving Izzie for whatever she’d done wrong and that they might get back to being friends again soon.

  As the evening drew to a close, four of them remained drinking and sharing stories as they sat around a small firepit, the orange glow warming them. ‘Oh! Izzie! Do you remember those sketches you did of us all?’

  ‘I do! Funnily enough, I found them at my nan’s bungalow the other day.’

  ‘I’d love to see them. I remember them being brilliant,’ Janey said.

  ‘You might not think that now, but I’ll do some copies if you like?’

  ‘Great. Thanks.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I’m making a scrapbook for Mick for Christmas. Justin’s helping me out with photos from back when we hung out on the beach and since – but the sketches would be a great addition.’

  ‘You should write out some of those truth or dares that we all had so much fun with.’ Izzie laughed and caught Justin looking over at her. Once again, she saw something – sadness? regret? – in his eyes, then it was gone and a smile hitched one side of his mouth. She thought she must have imagined it … unless … unless he regretted not meeting her that day? A spear of pain shot through her and she squashed it down.

  It had been all about choices – and he’d made his. And hers.

  ‘Oh, what a great idea! Hang on.’ Janey grabbed a napkin and a stray pen. Keeping her voice low, she said, ‘Tell me those you can remember.’ Izzie did, including the one where Mick had to run around on the beach singing ‘The Hills are Alive’, then she said, ‘You know, in case I remember any more, we should swap mobile numbers. I’ll ask Justin if he can remember any, too.’

  ‘Fab. It’s great to see you two together again.’ Janey raised her coffee cup in a toast like gesture. ‘You always look like you just – I don’t know – belong?’

  Something painful pinched inside Izzie, she took a deep breath and forced the pain away.

  ‘It is good to reconnect,’ Izzie agreed, sure that she didn’t need to explain their casual relationship to anyone.

  ‘So, tell me everything you’re up to these days.’ Janey asked.

  ‘Mainly I’m working on Nan’s bungalow. I’m also starting work on a remote commission for the company I’ve worked for since moving to London.’ She finished her drink. ‘It feels good to be picking up the reins of my life again.’

  ‘So, you worked for Rufus Dean? He was your boss? And your husband?’ Janey asked, then continued, ‘I remember Kay told us about that. She read it in one of those glossies she loves – I think your hubby’s books had just been turned into a TV series?’

  ‘Yes.’ It was strange to have her worlds overlap, especially so because she’d always purposely kept them separated.

  In fact, until recently, she’d kept her world with Justin completely severed from her thoughts, her memories…

  ‘And he died? Your husband?’

  ‘Yes, in 2016. It’ll be two years come next January.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that.’ Janey’s hand covered hers. Izzie smiled in response and said, ‘I’m okay.’ And the thing was – she was okay. What used to be a debilitating mixture of guilt, misery and sadness had receded, replaced by a dull ache.

  ‘Tell me all about your wedding plans,’ Izzie said to Janey, and she was only too happy to share details of all of her preparations. ‘Did Justin tell you he’s doing our photos as a gift to us?’ She beamed from ear to ear. ‘Can you imagine – blooming famous celebrity and wildlife photographer – doing our wedding!’ She put her hand to her chest. ‘Isn’t it brilliant? And he sorted someone local to work with him in the day and then carry on and do the evening reception.’ She smiled. ‘That’s so he can kick back and enjoy himself in the evening.’

  ‘That’s amazing – a great
gift.’

  Justin looked at his watch just then. ‘I need to make a move. I’ve a pretty busy day tomorrow, folks. I’m shooting Eloise Porter’s wedding in Manchester.’

  ‘The Eloise Porter?’ Mick raised his brow. ‘From the girl-band?’ He whistled and then chuckled. ‘She took a shine to Justin here and her agent set him up doing their publicity shots when they first started and I went along to help lug his gear. She was doing the hair-flicky thing at Justin!’ He laughed.

  ‘Always a charmer.’ Izzie immediately shut down a slight pang of jealousy, because Eloise Porter was marrying someone else.

  ‘Imagine that.’ Jayne clapped her hands together. ‘Me and Mick’ll have the same wedding photographer as celebs like Eloise Porter.’

  ‘You will,’ Justin agreed. ‘But hopefully there won’t be helicopters overhead trying to get a scoop at yours. Folks! It’s been fabulous, but we need to make tracks,’ he said again once the excitement from his news died down.

  He held out his hand to Izzie and they thanked their hosts. Izzie gave them each a hug and Justin promised to return the invite soon.

  ‘It was a great night,’ Izzie said as they walked home. She let the sea breeze blow her hair back as they neared the bungalow. ‘What time do you need to leave in the morning?’

  ‘I’ll leave about ten. There’s a full timetable I’ve to keep to for about ten hours. I don’t suppose you would tell anyone, but just in case, what I’m working on tomorrow is between you, me, Mick and Janey.’

  ‘Mum’s the word, I’ll not tell a soul.’ She slipped her arm around his waist as he put his along her shoulder.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Izzie

  Blackpool, October, 2017

  Over the following weeks, each of them had intermittent work – Justin’s sometimes involved relatively local travel and Izzie’s work for Eddie she mainly took care of in the mornings.

  Their resolve to keep free of commitment worked well for them both. Usually, they saw one another every few days; sometimes they kissed, sometimes they just enjoyed being together. There was no talk of a future together, just their individual plans.