The Secret Notebook Read online

  ‘These are good, Izzie,’ Tony had said, struggling to manoeuvre his T-shirt over a sea damp torso. ‘You should set up a stall doing these for the tourists.’

  She had smiled, drank more beer, enjoyed the way it made her feel light-headed. ‘Thanks, but I’d rather sketch for fun.’

  The conductor called out, ‘Any more fares here?’ , his friendly voice jolting Izzie from her recollection.

  ‘And I was thinking about when I sketched our pals,’ she told Justin.

  ‘Have you still got those drawings?’ He looked thoughtful. ‘I bet Tony and Janey would love to see them if you have.’

  ‘I have. They’re in the sketchbook I used to take everywhere.’

  ‘Do you remember that time when Janey could hardly read out Mick’s dare for laughing?’ Justin asked, laughing at the memory. Izzie felt her own amusement bubble up.

  ‘I do.’ At the time, they’d all erupted into gales of laughter when Mick’s dare had been that he should run around on the beach, holding a towel like a sail above his head, singing ‘The Hills Are Alive’ from The Sound of Music.

  Most dares were hilarious, especially, Izzie thought, when they happened to someone else.

  Justin turned to look out of the window again and Izzie rooted in her rucksack for her water bottle, taking a gulp to cool herself down at the thought of what had followed Mick’s dare, when they’d all been spluttering with laughter and aching ribs…

  The deep automated voice announced that the next stop was the terminus, Starr Gate.

  Her memory trickled back to the dares that had changed Izzie’s relationship with Justin.

  ‘Kiss their face off like you really mean it…’

  Somehow, Izzie couldn’t hold back the memory, her cheeks heating when Justin rose to his feet. ‘You good?’

  ‘I am.’ She took another swig from her bottle. ‘Just warm.’

  She wondered in that moment if Justin’s half-smile meant he could read her mind, that the unlocked memory wasn’t shut away like she hoped, but instead playing like a film in her eyes.

  As they left the tram and walked towards the dunes, he held his hand towards her, then retracted it as if he realised just what he was doing.

  That hurt Izzie like a spear.

  ‘Don’t…’ slipped from her. Fighting her pain, she held her hand towards him. ‘Don’t shut me out, Justin.’

  He hesitated, stood still, and she saw something flash in his eyes, something like hurt, and she didn’t fully understand it. He took a breath and then he took her hand. ‘Sure.’ His voice was hoarse and a quick glance towards him revealed tension in his frame.

  Confused, Izzie’s thoughts ran up against a brick wall. As they reached the end of the dunes, she hooked off her flip flops to let her feet sink into the soft sand, increasingly aware of the palm against her own and the darts of heat zinging up her arm.

  Almost like they had stepped back in time, they walked along for a short while and then settled close to the spot where they’d always set up camp; it was a weekday and the beach was relatively empty as school holidays were over. There were only a few walkers along the edge of the far away sea, where the damp sand was firm.

  Reaching down to fill her palm with soft sand, Izzie let it run through her fingers and fall back to the beach in small pointed piles until the breeze smoothed them off once again, the tiny grains hypnotising as they found their lowest level.

  ‘I love it here.’ She set down her rucksack and used it to lean against.

  Justin leaned back on his elbows, staring across the flat sands to the glistening sea beyond.

  ‘Izzie…’

  ‘Justin…’

  They both spoke at once and then Justin gestured for Izzie to carry on. But she felt suddenly shy. She’d been about to say something about their relationship, but even as she’d begun to speak, she wasn’t sure what it was she wanted to say. She wanted it to be easy between them, like it always used to be. She searched for a way to tell him that; picked up another handful of sand and let it slip through her fingers again.

  ‘I – I’m still attracted to you, but I don’t want it to be awkward with us.’

  What? Why had she spoken the unvarnished truth?

  Was she mad?

  ‘If it helps, I’m still attracted to you, too, Izzie. But I’ve got long-term work plans that involve a heap of travel. I’m not looking for anything more serious than friendship, maybe a fling – maybe a mix of both. But definitely nothing more. I learned, to my cost, years ago that long-term involvements don’t go well with my job.’

  Turning to lie on her side so she could see his expression, Izzie said, ‘I think at this point in time, that’s enough for me, too. No rules, no ties. Nothing serious.’

  Unbeknown to Justin, his words were just what she needed to hear. After her increasingly isolating marriage to Rufus, she wanted to do whatever, go wherever and see whoever she pleased – whenever she pleased – definitely with no one to answer to.

  A no-rules fling sounded near perfect to her. Why shouldn’t she grab what she wanted out of life? Especially if they both wanted the same thing at the moment?

  Justin turned his attention from looking out to sea to face her. His darkened hazel eyes were lit with a kaleidoscope of greens, browns and yellows in the hazy sunlight.

  ‘Does that take care of the awkward?’ He smiled and that smile – the one that could light up the darkest corner – reached right inside Izzie. That smile that made her smile back turned to laughter when she responded, ‘I’ll tell you in a minute.’

  He raised one brow; amused questions danced in his eyes.

  Feeling bold, wanting what she wanted, Izzie closed the gap between their lips and kissed him gently, her eyes closing when his soft yet firm lips kissed her in return. Then his fingers moved to lightly caress her jaw and neck as the kiss deepened and Izzie’s own palms reached around his neck to bring him closer, fingers threading into his hair as she wriggled to align herself to him where they lay on the soft sand. Hot pinging sensations rushed around her, and heat flared in her lower belly.

  It had been such a long time since she’d been held. Such a long time since she’d been kissed for pure pleasure and not as a pre-cursor to sex. A soft moan left her when Justin pulled her closer.

  Since their very first kiss, they had always enjoyed the closeness, the titillation and the promise of what may come next. Part of the thrill was not knowing if they would take it any further – or not.

  The embrace went on for a long time, until a seagull overhead made a loud caw sound and both of them opened their eyes at the same time.

  There was a warmth in Justin’s eyes, and a smile. Izzie knew – for certain – that a fling with this man was just what she needed. It could last only until Christmas at the latest … then Justin would be flying off to New Zealand, and come the New Year she would be going back to London, back to her job at DAS, and her home in West Hampstead.

  ‘Do you remember how we became an item – that game?’ A smile hitched one side of his mouth and that delicious dimple dented his cheek.

  ‘You mean whilst I was wearing your giant T-shirt and you had my little wrap top over your shoulders?’

  They lay facing one another, both propped up on an elbow. Izzie fancied she could feel a magnetic field crackling between them.

  ‘Janey read out the dare and cracked up, it said, kiss their face off like you really mean it. I didn’t realise for a minute I’d be the object…’

  Justin had been reclining, his back propped against a dune, beer bottle in one hand, sunglasses reflecting the sand and sky, and it took a moment for the penny to drop that he’d be the object of Izzie’s dare.

  Izzie had been emboldened by too much beer on an empty stomach and crawled closer to Justin. She straddled his hips, leaned forward and dropped a soft little kiss on his mouth, before going in again and flattening herself against him, shivering with bliss at the feel of his warm body against hers. She was shocked by how goo
d his mouth felt beneath her lips, how welcoming the heat of his tongue as it moved against hers. His eyes opened behind his glasses and he reached up and shoved them on top of his head, then let his fingers trail down to her cheek, spreading there to hold her face gently, their kiss growing hungrier.

  Justin’s other hand moved to her side and touched bare skin through the large arm hole of the giant T-shirt, causing a soft moan to escape Izzie. Tingles ran through her, shot outwards from his fingertips, her eyes opened with surprise – to be met by his gaze.

  A low whistle rose from the group behind them and someone clapped.

  ‘Wow…’ broke from Justin as Izzie shifted to sit back from the embrace. ‘That was … wow.’

  She stayed where she was, perched on Justin’s thighs for minutes or seconds, she couldn’t tell, his forest-green eyes held the same happy shock that Izzie felt deep inside. A small smile curved his lips, and he looked as if he wanted to say something…

  It was the first time that Izzie had revisited that particular memory with her feelings fully engaged.

  It had been raw, passionate and there had been no reason to hold back. It struck her that their kiss just moments ago had roused those same sensations within her, and there was something inherently sensual about revisiting the episode along with Justin.

  Suddenly clouds rolled in and the gathering wind began to blow the surface of the soft sand hither and thither. Justin rose agilely to his feet and held both his hands down to Izzie. ‘Think there’s rain coming. Shall we make tracks?’

  ‘Yup.’ It felt so good to have someone else make suggestions, make decisions, knowing that if she wanted to do something different, she only had to say so and it would be fine.

  It was liberating, like finding a sense of freedom that she hadn’t known for a long time, a sense of freedom she hadn’t known had been missing. But even feeling it, she didn’t fully understand why, didn’t want to start exploring it. She just wanted to enjoy the freedom of being herself and living her life for herself.

  For the moment.

  The heavens opened as they laughed, stumbling, along the sand, and soaked the pair of them from head to toe.

  On their tram ride back towards home, Justin suggested they each go home and shower, dry off, then he’d drive over to Seniors chippy, pick their dinner up and bring it round to hers. Izzie said she’d open a bottle of wine and have Molly’s notebook handy for when they’d eaten.

  After showering, Izzie found herself dressing with care. Picking out a turquoise sundress, she twisted her loose waves into a scruffy bun and rooted out her hoop earrings. That delicious sense of freedom, a growing feeling of new happiness, saw her smile broadly in front of the hallway mirror. And because they had set the boundaries of their relationship, Izzie allowed herself to look forward to Justin arriving.

  Rain pounded down and when his car pulled onto her drive, Izzie opened the front door, ready with the table set and a bottle of wine open.

  ‘Hi!’ Her broad smile answered Justin’s as she noticed that he too had made an effort. She stood aside so he could hurry indoors with their food, took in his white pilot shirt and black trousers. The word hot flashed up in her mind. Some men, she thought, just wore their clothes so well…

  ‘Go straight through, Justin, everything’s ready.’

  ‘Got a towel, Izzie, love?’ He turned to face her in the hallway and she swapped a hand towel for the bag of fish and chips.

  Drops ran down his face, spiked his lashes, did nothing to diminish the light of laughter shining in his eyes.

  Just minutes later, dried off, Izzie and Justin enjoyed their feast, music played quietly in the background, little need to fill any silences.

  ‘We should take another trip to the beach on the next dry day that you’re not working, before it turns too cold,’ Izzie suggested once they’d finished eating.

  ‘I’ll drink to that. Cheers,’ Justin said. They clinked glasses and Izzie felt the tight spring of emotion within relax another notch whilst they chattered, shared some memories. ‘You’ll probably laugh, but I remember being insanely jealous,’ Justin admitted, ‘when we played spin the bottle with our crowd and you kissed Daniel Topping.’

  ‘You were jealous?’ She shook her head, grimaced. ‘You had no need. I only fancied you. Do you still see Daniel? Any of the old crowd?’

  ‘Sure. Not Daniel – he lives in Australia now – but I see the others now and then.’ He brought her up to date on what their friends were up to these days.

  ‘I’ve really enjoyed today, Izzie,’ he said when they were done eating, then stood and took both their plates to the sink, to plunge them into the soapy water there. He looked at her over his shoulder when she moved behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressed her cheek into his toned back.

  ‘Me too.’

  He turned around in the circle of her arms, his mouth finding and closing over hers in a long, delicious kiss, one of his soapy hands holding her cheek, his other pulling her close into him. A familiar sensation spread through her. It was as though every single nerve ending in her body remembered him.

  Justin raised his mouth from hers when the doorbell rang, rested his forehead against hers and gave a slight grimace. ‘Bet that’s my mother.’

  Rising up on her tiptoes, Izzie kissed his lips briefly and went to see.

  It was a delivery company wanting to leave a parcel for the neighbour on the other side to Justin’s parents.

  ‘Ah…’ Izzie shrugged as she set the parcel down in the hallway. ‘What do you think? Shall we have a read of Molly’s notebook?’

  Laughing, Justin ran his fingers back through his hair. ‘That might be a safer bet than where we were headed.’

  Chapter Twenty

  Molly

  Blackpool, Saturday September 9, 1944

  Dear Diary,

  I think that one good thing about working in a boarding house is that I’m kept busy and there is no time to dwell on things. Something worrying though, word is that the Jerries are now sending over buzz bombs – there’s no pilot even though the bombs look like small planes. They just arrive, buzzing, then go silent and drop, destroying everything around them. What a terrifying weapon.

  Some of our billets bring stories of these awful weapons; apparently, they have so far reached as far as Oldham. That brings to mind Jack’s parents, and his aunt who lives there. I can only pray his family stays safe.

  As I grow bigger, Enid now has Agnes to share the work, which is a blessing. My bump is too big to even tie up my pinny; I’ve had to extend the ties with string! It seems to suit Enid having Agnes around, the two of them chat and sometimes even laugh. It makes the whole experience of coming to work at the Bing Lea more pleasant.

  Agnes is a good sort, too – she noticed my ankles getting swollen earlier today and said I should go and put my feet up for a bit till they go down. She also said that in her opinion it was time I stopped work now and take it easier.

  So, after talking it over with Enid, we decided that tomorrow will be my last day and I’ll just help with breakfast and finish at lunchtime. I only have a week or two to go before the baby is due so it’s a relief.

  Enid seems easier to get along with now and I’m sure it’s having Agnes around that helps.

  I haven’t heard from Jack for almost two months; I pray he’s safe. It’s like living with a stomach full of nerves against the wash of hope that everything is fine with him, but as the saying goes, no news is good news. I have to hang onto that.

  I write here because it’s been so long and sometimes, I think I will sink into the dark misery that lurks like a swamp waiting to swallow me up. I just want Jack to write, to say he’ll come home soon … but there has been nothing.

  I write to him at least once a week, tell him every kind of news, small things that happen in the Bing Lea. How Dora’s doing with her job on the trams and anything that might interest him.

  I feel as if I go through the motions of this life, but
then – I imagine everyone else does too. A lot of folk have lost people; I think of every reported death and how many other lives in turn that must ripple out to, devastating loved ones.

  Dora is in love with Matt, the US serviceman, and he is lucky to have escaped a tragedy that hit Freckleton last month – so many died when a US bomber crashed there.

  It was doubly tragic because there were evacuees from London attending school there – killed when they had gone there as a designated ‘safe area’.

  Dora told me that Matt and many of his fellow servicemen helped with the clear up and they were all deeply saddened and distressed.

  Dora and I walk most days, usually late on, once she’s finished on the trams. It helps to keep us both sane, I think!

  She tells me tales of the workers cramming onto the trams.

  ‘They grumble like mad about folk who’re travelling for pleasure taking space up, because they’re workers, they should have first pop at the seats!’ Laughing, she added, ‘Someone said – loudly – that those who weren’t travelling to do a job should get off and walk!’ Dora shook her head then. ‘No bugger took any notice, they just carried on chattering – and smoking if they were upstairs.’

  Me and Dora talk about everything, Dear Diary.

  Except the secret of who is the baby’s father.

  That stays in these pages. I don’t talk about that with anyone.

  Blackpool, Saturday September 23, 1944

  My Dear Diary, I am happier and more exhausted than I have been for a long time.

  Today, after a long labour in my room at Marian’s, I gave birth.

  Tom Blackshaw was born just after eight in the evening. He weighed in at seven and a half pounds.

  Enid was a great support. It was a joy to see a different side to her. I never knew she could be so, well, in charge – and kind with it.

  She left Agnes and Lilian to deal with the evening meal for the billets and guests, and joined Marian to help and keep me company. The two of them were marvellous. I wanted to write everything down so I can remember it to tell Jack, copy it out into a letter to him.